It’s Monday at noon, and I’m writing this for tomorrow.
Not because I planned, but because last week was… ghetto.
Where did the time go? I honestly don’t know.
And I’m too exhausted to investigate.
If you’re reading this after bedtime or before the house wakes up, sit with me for a minute.
This week’s newsletter came straight out of a client session on stress management, the kind where something clicks, and you realize this isn’t just her. This is all of us.
The 3 nervous system states (in real life)
Most of us move through three basic states:
Safety
You feel settled enough. You can think, breathe, and respond instead of react.
Activation
This is stress, urgency, go-mode. Your system is mobilized. Not bad, just on.
Immobilization
Shutdown. Numb. Heavy. The “I can’t even” place.
Here’s why this matters:
👉 We often judge ourselves instead of noticing which state we’re in.
Naming the state brings relief. Fighting it adds stress.
The question that shifted everything for me
I recently watched a Therapy in a Nutshell video where Emma McAdams shared Eric Gentry’s idea of relaxed vigilance — and asked this:
Can you do a stressful thing without being stressed?
That landed.
Because most of us assume:
Hard things require tension
Responsibility means overwhelming
Survival equals pushing through
But what if the goal isn’t calm? What if the goal is safe enough while activated?
A simple reset you can use in real time
When you’re in the middle of something stressful, try this:
1. Check in
Ask yourself: Which state am I in right now — safety, activation, or immobilization?
No fixing. Just noticing.
2. Choose one grounding tool that matches your state
Not the one you should use, the one your body can tolerate.
a few slow breaths
one sentence of journaling
stepping outside
lying down for 10 minutes
Enough to soften, not overwhelm.
3. Say this (quietly or out loud):
“I’m safe enough right now.”
Not “everything is fine.”
Not “this doesn’t matter.”
Just safe enough to keep going without forcing.
That’s relaxed vigilance.
If you’re stuck in the in-between (this is where I am)
If I’m being honest, I’m not fully activated, and I’m not fully shut down either.
I’m in that middle place:
My brain is still running
My body feels heavy
Rest doesn’t feel restorative
Action feels like too much
If that’s you, deep breathing alone can feel useless. And naps can backfire.
Here’s what actually helps in this state:
Micro-movement (not exercise)
Your body needs a signal, not a workout.
standing up and stretching
a slow walk to the mailbox
rocking side to side for 30 seconds
Just enough movement to say: I’m not stuck.
One contained task
Not productivity, containment.
unload the top rack of the dishwasher
fold five things, then stop
write one sentence
Completion calms the system.
Warmth over calm
Cold helps high anxiety.
This state needs warmth.
hot shower
heating pad
warm drink held with both hands
Warmth communicates safety when words don’t land.
A truer sentence
Instead of “I’m fine,” try:
“I’m tired, and I’m still here.”
“This is heavy, not dangerous.”
“I don’t have to solve today.”
Your nervous system responds more strongly to honesty than to positivity.
A gentle reminder before you go
You don’t need to eliminate stress to function.
You don’t need to be perfectly calm to do hard things.
And you’re not failing because your body is responding to real demands.
Sometimes the work is simply letting yourself know:
I see you. I’m listening. We’re okay enough to take the next step.
🔥 By the Fire Place
A few quiet things that have been grounding me lately:
Book: Wintering by Katherine May, slow, reflective, and deeply validating for seasons like this
Evening ritual: low lamp, no overhead lights, one chapter or a few pages before bed
Small comfort: holding a warm mug with both hands instead of scrolling
Nothing to optimize. Just space to soften.
If this resonated, forward it to a friend who’s carrying a lot quietly, or let it sit with you tonight once the house gets quiet.
You’re not alone in this.
— Moya 💛