In partnership with
I want to tell you about a much younger version of myself.
In my early dating years, I was sharp. Capable. The kind of woman who figured things out.
I was also auditioning.
Not for a job.
For a relationship.
Over the course of one relationship, a few sentences were said that stayed with me.
Not dramatic ones.
Evaluative ones.
Things like:
This has to be earned.
A good woman handles her own responsibilities.
You have potential.
Individually, they didn’t seem explosive.
Together, they created a quiet challenge.
And here’s what’s fascinating about moments like that.
We don’t usually say,
“Absolutely not.”
We don’t walk away.
We roll our sleeves up.
Unconsciously.
We say, “Bet.”
Let me show you.
Let me optimize.
Let me become easier.
Let me become undeniable.
The first comments fueled the proving.
The last one stopped me cold.
Not because it was cruel.
Because I almost agreed.
Potential meant the door was still open.
Potential meant I could work for it.
Potential meant I wasn’t disqualified, yet.
So the optimizing began.
More patient.
More accommodating.
More available.
More overlooking what my body and feelings communicated.
I overfunctioned my way through that relationship trying to close a gap I couldn’t name.
And not just there.
I carried it into my work.
I stayed in roles where I was underpaid.
I gave 110% to companies that gave me far less.
I overdelivered for my staff.
I made myself indispensable.
Because if I was valuable enough,
needed enough,
exceptional enough,
no one would question my place.
High-functioning became my insurance policy.
And because it looked like ambition,
no one, including me, questioned it.
Eventually, I understood something.
The anger wasn’t about what was said.
It was about how ready I had been to hear it.
Because somewhere long before that relationship, I had already decided I needed to earn my place.
I grew up watching my mommy, who I love to pieces, carry everything alone.
I made a quiet decision:
I will not be a burden to her.
I will make her life easier.
And that strategy worked.
I was praised for it.
Recognized for it.
So I brought it everywhere.
When someone handed me the word potential, I didn’t hear criticism.
I heard something familiar.
Almost there.
Try harder.
Don’t stop now.
Here’s what I know now, as a woman and a clinician:
Overfunctioning in relationships isn’t always control.
Sometimes it’s fear dressed up as competence.
High-functioning anxiety doesn’t always look like panic.
Sometimes it looks like being the most capable person in the room, and still feeling like it’s not enough.
It’s performing worth.
It’s managing your own fear of rejection so well that even you forget you’re afraid.
The shift didn’t come when I explained myself better.
It came when I stopped needing to be evaluated at all.
That’s when I realized the work wasn’t in that relationship.
It was in the older story I had been carrying.
And that’s the story I’m committed to breaking.
Not just for myself.
For my daughter.
For the women I work with.
For the high-functioning mothers quietly exhausting themselves trying to prove they’re enough.
One Tool
This week, don’t try to do less.
Try to notice.
Ask yourself:
Where am I overdelivering because I’m afraid of being overlooked?
Write two columns:
Where I am giving from choice.
Where I am giving from fear.
Don’t judge it.
Just get honest.
Because awareness is where strength stops being a reflex,
and becomes a choice.
⸻
If this resonated, I have a favor to ask.
Forward this to a friend.
Drop it in your mom group.
Share it in your church group.
I’m on a mission to help women stop confusing survival with strength — and to break the cycle of earning love by overfunctioning.
If this feels familiar to you, chances are it feels familiar to someone you know too.
And we don’t break patterns alone.
— Moya
Feeling off lately? It could be your hormones.
3pm crashes every day. Unexpected weight gain. Unpredictable cycles. When symptoms start piling up, your hormones and metabolic health are often part of the story.
Allara helps women understand what's really going on with comprehensive hormone and metabolic testing. Their advanced testing goes beyond the basics to measure key markers like insulin, thyroid function, reproductive hormones, and metabolic health. Whether you already have a diagnosis or are still searching for answers, Allara's care team uses your results to create a personalized treatment plan with expert medical and nutrition guidance.
They treat a wide range of women’s health conditions, including PCOS, fertility challenges, weight management, perimenopause, thyroid conditions, and more.
With Allara, you get clarity, expert support, and a personalized care plan all for as little as $0 with insurance. This isn’t about quick fixes. It’s about understanding your body and addressing the root causes.