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The Strong Ones Get Tired Too
This weekend was our first dance competition of the season.
Which meant a 4:45 AM alarm, rushing out the door for early roll call, and not making it home until almost 10 PM.
If you’ve ever been to a dance competition, you know what those days are like.
Hair.
Makeup.
Costume changes in crowded dressing rooms.
Snacks, safety pins, extra tights.
Girls melting down.
Parents melting down.
Sometimes teachers melting down.
And by the end of the day, tired doesn’t even begin to describe it.
When I finally walked through my front door, the kitchen was a hot mess.
My son was home.
His father was home.
And the sink was full.
Normally, this is where I would start cleaning while banging cabinets loud enough for everyone to know I was irritated.
You know the move.
But this time I did something different.
I made a small, calm public service announcement that went something like:
Hear ye, hear ye…
There will be no dinner cooked in this house until this kitchen is cleaned.
And these dishes will stay exactly where they are until someone else handles them.
Then I took my shower.
Put on my overnight mask.
Finished my to-do list.
And my friend guilt and I went to bed.
At some point I heard my son and his father (and yes, when I’m annoyed he becomes their father again) discussing the situation.
They must have played rock, paper, scissors, because when I woke up the next morning…
The kitchen was clean.
And what that moment taught me was this:
Sometimes the only way to stop overfunctioining
is to give other people the opportunity to step in.
Even if it makes you uncomfortable
Even if you have to tell them to step in.
What This Has to Do With Overfunctioning
Last week, I posted on Instagram, I asked four women a simple question:
Why do you think women overfunction?
Their answers were honest.
And interestingly, none of them said things like:
“I love being productive.”
Or
“I just enjoy doing everything.”
Instead, they said things like:
“Because if I don’t do it, no one will.”
“It’s easier to just handle it myself.”
“I don’t trust that things will get done right.”
“I feel guilty asking for help.”
These weren’t productivity problems.
They were safety strategies.
Over time, many women learn that the safest role to play in their families, workplaces, and relationships is the one who keeps everything moving.
The responsible one.
The reliable one.
The strong one.
A Thought For Women’s History Month
March is Women’s History Month, which made me think about something we don’t always talk about when we celebrate strong women.
Strength doesn’t always look like big public moments.
Sometimes it looks like:
The woman quietly holding a household together.
The woman carrying emotional labor no one sees.
The woman who keeps things moving even when she’s exhausted.
Behind many strong women is a life where she quietly became the structure holding everything together.
But strength doesn’t have to mean doing everything alone.
One Tool: The “Pause Before Rescue” Practice
Many women don’t overfunction because they enjoy doing everything.
They overfunction because the moment something needs to be done, their brain immediately says:
Just handle it. It’s faster. I’m so guilty of this one. I’m working on it.
Or
If I don’t do it, it won’t get done.
Or
It’s not worth the argument.
So here’s a small therapy practice you can try this week.
The next time you feel the urge to step in and fix something, pause for five minutes before you act. Just 5 minutes.
During that pause, ask yourself two questions:
1. Is this actually my responsibility?
Not:
Can I do it?
But:
Is it actually mine to carry?
2. What am I afraid will happen if I don’t step in? What’s the fear?
Sometimes the fear is:
• conflict
• someone being upset
• something not getting done perfectly
• feeling like the “bad guy.”
Once you name the fear, try one small experiment:
Don’t rescue right away.
Just wait.
Sometimes someone else steps in.
Or the world doesn’t fall apart the way your nervous system predicted it would.
That’s how you slowly step out of the role of holding everything together alone.
I call this rerouting
When you pause instead of rescuing, you show your brain and nervous system that another path is possible.
And yes, sometimes that also means telling people what you need.
A lot of women get stuck here, thinking:
“Why should I have to tell you?’
But if the goal is changing the pattern, clarity often works better than silent resentment.
We can do this one pause at a time.
One Last Thing
If someone came to mind while you were reading this — a sister, a friend, someone in your mom group or church community — feel free to forward this email to her.
Sometimes the most helpful thing we can do for each other is simply say:
“This made me think of you.”
Want to Share the Newsletter?
A reader asked this week if there’s an easy way to share the newsletter. There is.
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Each week, I share one story and one practical tool for women navigating anxiety, stress, and the pressure of holding everything together.
If topics like emotional sensitivity, nervous system responses, or rejection sensitivity resonate with you, this resource below may also be helpful.
A Quick Question for you
Do you ever catch yourself stepping in to fix things before anyone even asks?
Hit reply and tell me - What’s one situation where you notice yourself overfunctioining?
I read every response.
Understanding Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria: How This App Can Help
For many with ADHD, a simple "no" can feel like a world-ending nightmare. This is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), and it makes navigating daily life painfully hard.
Developed by clinical psychologists, Inflow helps you understand and navigate RSD triggers using science-backed strategies.
In just 5 minutes a day, you can learn to prevent unhelpful thoughts and build deep emotional resilience. Stop spiraling and start reframing your thinking with a custom learning plan designed for your brain.
A quick question for you
Do you ever catch yourself stepping in to fix things before anyone even asks?
Hit reply and tell me - What’s one situation where you notice yourself overfunctioning?
I read every response.
Until next week
Moya