This isn’t just thoughtfulness
I read something over the weekend that stuck with me.
The person who remembers your preferences, your allergies, your coffee order, your parking spot—
isn’t just thoughtful.
They learned early that noticing everything mattered.
And when that’s how you grow up—
you don’t just notice things.
You stay ahead of them.
You remember what people like.
What they need.
What might go wrong.
Before they even say it.
For a long time, I thought that was just who I was.
Thoughtful.
Considerate.
The one who pays attention.
But here’s what I had to sit with—
There’s a difference between being thoughtful
and feeling responsible for everything.
Thoughtfulness is a choice.
Overfunctioning feels like a requirement.
And if you’re honest—
you don’t just do it to be kind.
You do it because it doesn’t feel safe not to.
From the outside, it looks like care.
But internally—
it feels like pressure.
Took me a long time to see this difference
Here’s how to tell the difference:
Thoughtfulness feels like:
“I want to do this.”
Overfunctioning feels like:
“If I don’t… something will shift between us.”
And eventually—
you feel it.
Resentment.
Not because you’re giving—
but because you feel like you have to.
The Tool: Pause before you pre-handle
This week, right before you:
remind
fix
anticipate
take care of something no one asked you to
Pause.
And ask:
👉 “Am I choosing this… or do I feel responsible for it?”
If it’s a choice—do it.
If it feels like responsibility—wait.
Just a few minutes.
Let it sit.
Watch what your body does in that pause.
That discomfort you feel?
That restlessness?
That’s not something going wrong.
That’s you not being used to letting things be.
That’s the work.
If this hit…
If you’re tired of being the one who always catches everything—
this is exactly what I’m going deeper into on May 5th:
Regulated: A Workshop for Women Who Hold It All
This isn’t about doing less.
It’s about understanding why it feels so hard to stop.
Early bird ends April 14th.
Use code SOFTER10 for $10 off.
— Moya
On the Mend