When Love Feels Like Anxiety

A big welcome to all the new faces here!

We’re almost at 50 subscribers since launching in June, small but mighty progress.

My goal? 100 subscribers by year’s end.

If this newsletter ever feels like a breath of air, share it with one friend who might need it too.

That’s how this space grows, slowly, meaningfully, one grounded woman at a time.

I asked which root of anxiety you wanted me to dig into next, and several of you said attachment.

So that’s where we’re headed today.

And just so you know, I read every reply.

If there’s something you want me to explore more deeply, hit reply anytime.

Psychologist John Bowlby taught us that the way we connected (or struggled to connect) with caregivers in childhood shapes how we seek love and safety as adults.

There are four main attachment styles:

• Secure: “I can depend on you, and you can depend on me.”

• Anxious: “I crave closeness but fear you’ll leave.”

• Avoidant: “I want connection, but too much feels unsafe.”

• Anxious-Avoidant: “Come close… but not too close.”

Today, we’re focusing on anxious and anxious-avoidant attachment because they’re the ones most tied to anxiety, overthinking, and emotional exhaustion.

Anxious attachment doesn’t only come from childhood; it can also grow out of early trauma or painful adult relationships.

The brain keeps score of every heartbreak, betrayal, and disappointment.

If those experiences weren’t processed or grieved, your body remembers them.

Infidelity.

Being ghosted.

Getting stuck in a situationship that lasted way past its expiration date.

These might seem like “little t” traumas, but the nervous system doesn’t measure size. It just stores the memory and whispers:

So when something feels familiar, your brain jumps to conclusions:

Walks like a dog. Barks like a dog. Must be danger.

Then the internal tug-of-war begins:

One part says, “This feels unsafe, I’ve been here before.”

The other says, “No, this person’s different. Don’t overthink it.”

Underneath it all is a quiet message:

That’s the real healing work, rebuilding self-trust so your body no longer mistakes love for danger.

Even when we know someone cares, the anxious attachment system can light up fast.

• No text back (but they’re active on social).

You see the story post… and your mind spirals.

• When someone sets a boundary.

“I can’t talk tonight, I need a quiet night.”

Cue the worry: Are they mad? Did I do something?

But love and care don’t always equal a yes; that’s not the math.

• When someone asks for space.

To an anxious system, space can feel like rejection.

But often, it’s just regulation, the healthiest people know when to recharge.

• Mixed signals.

When someone is warm one day and distant the next, your brain scans for clues instead of resting in safety.

Anxious attachment can quietly steer us toward the wrong partners, often the emotionally unavailable or inconsistent ones.

Not because we want chaos, but because the nervous system mistakes that pattern for familiarity and chemistry.

We end up:

• Becoming partner-focused instead of self-focused

• Staying hyper-attuned to their needs and moods

• Ignoring our body’s signals of discomfort

• Letting our routines, self-care, and values slip just to keep the connection alive

You’re not “too much.”

You just learned to keep love close, even when it costs your peace.

There’s a quiet kind of courage in learning to stay with yourself, especially when the fear of loss shows up.

Every time you breathe through the urge to chase or fix, you’re teaching your body a new language of safety.

If you want to dive deeper:

• Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson (+ workbook) — gentle guidance for couples learning safe connection.

• Attached by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller — a must-read for understanding your attachment style.

You’re not hard to love.

You just learned to look for love in hard places.

And you’re unlearning that now.

💌 If this landed for you, hit reply and tell me what part resonated.

Or forward it to a friend who needs this reminder tonight.

See you next Tuesday,

– Moya 🌿

If this felt like a deep breath, don’t keep it to yourself.

Forward it to one woman who’s been carrying too much lately, the one who could use a gentle reminder that she’s not alone.

We heal better in good company. 🌿

👉 Subscribe here to join the On the Mend community.

Your nervous system is learning that calm doesn’t mean loss, it means safety.

Keep showing up for yourself; your body is listening.