Over the past two weeks, we’ve been talking about change.
First…
Then…
That uncomfortable place where the old version of you no longer fits…
but the new version doesn’t quite feel like home yet.
As I sat with both of those conversations this week, I realized they left me with one question.
How did we get here?
Yes…
I know it’s a Debra Cox song.
😂
But seriously…
How did we get here?
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If you know me, you know I spend a lot of time reflecting.
Now… before you call it overthinking, hear me out. 😊
I’ve realized there’s a difference between rumination and reflection.
Rumination asks,
“Why am I like this?”
It circles the same thoughts, searching for an answer that never seems to come.
Reflection asks,
“How did I become this way?”
It isn’t trying to rewrite the story.
It’s trying to understand it.
If I’m being honest, more times than not, I ask that question because I’m frustrated.
Or because regret is quietly tap dancing on my heart.
But every once in a while…
I ask it for a different reason.
Not to blame myself.
Not to blame anyone else.
I’m simply trying to connect the dots.
To understand the sequence of my life.
And maybe you’ve asked yourself a version of that question too.
Not because you’re looking for someone to blame…
But because you’re finally trying to understand yourself.
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Have you ever wondered what behind-the-scenes moments…
the childhood experiences…
the conversations…
the disappointments…
the messages you received…
the beliefs you carried…
the decisions…
and the choices…
quietly brought you to this moment?
How did you become the woman who worries so much?
The one who feels responsible for everyone else’s emotions?
The one who’s always preparing for what could go wrong?
The one who struggles to rest without feeling guilty?
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I don’t think we wake up one day and decide to become that woman.
I think she is built.
One experience at a time.
Maybe someone praised you for being “so mature.”
Maybe you learned that keeping the peace kept everyone else calm.
Maybe you became the responsible one because someone had to.
Maybe you learned that love was something you earned.
Maybe disappointment taught you to expect it before it arrived.
Little by little…
Without realizing it…
We became the woman our life taught us to be.
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Maybe “her” isn’t just one woman.
Maybe she’s every version of us we’ve met along the way.
She’s…
The woman who thought being low maintenance made her easier to love.
The woman who learned something the night she didn’t clean the kitchen.
The woman who found herself standing in the messy middle, wondering if she’d ever feel like herself again.
Looking back…
I don’t think those were different women at all.
I think they were all different ways she learned to survive.
Maybe the woman you’re frustrated with today…
The one who overthinks.
The one who prepares for every possible outcome.
The one who struggles to rest.
The one who carries everyone else before herself.
She isn’t the enemy.
She was simply doing the best she could with what she knew.
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As a therapist, one of my favorite questions isn’t,
“What’s wrong with you?”
It’s,
“What happened that taught you this?”
Those are two very different conversations.
One assumes you’re broken.
The other assumes your mind and body were trying to protect you.
Sometimes we criticize ourselves for overthinking.
For worrying.
For people-pleasing.
For staying too long.
For struggling to trust.
But what if…
those weren’t character flaws?
What if they were survival strategies?
Strategies that made perfect sense at one point in your life…
even if they no longer serve you today.
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🌿 A Gentle Practice
Grab your journal—or open the Notes app on your phone.
Take a few slow, grounded breaths.
Then finish these two sentences.
I learned to…
Because…
Now sit with one more question.
Is that lesson still protecting me… or is it protecting an older version of me?
There are no right answers.
No pressure to change anything today.
Just curiosity.
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🔥 Around the Fire Pit
Two books came to mind as I was writing this week’s newsletter.
If you know me, you know reading is my thing. 📚
When a book changes the way I see myself—or the women I sit with every day—I can’t help but pass it along.
This week, I couldn’t choose just one.
📖 What Happened to You? by Oprah Winfrey & Dr. Bruce Perry
If you’ve ever found yourself asking, “Why do I keep reacting this way?” this book offers a compassionate shift in perspective. Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me?” it invites us to ask, “What happened to me?”
📖 Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am? by John Powell
This book explores something many of us quietly carry—the fear that if people really knew us, they might not accept us.
It reminds us that so much of who we’ve become was shaped by our need to belong, to be loved, and to feel safe.
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Maybe before we criticize the woman we’ve become…
We should understand how she came to be.
We’ll meet here again next Tuesday.
🖤
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If today’s letter made you pause, share it with someone who might need it — you never know who’s looking for these words.
New here? Join us each Tuesday:
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🖤 If Today’s Letter Stayed With You…
Sometimes a newsletter opens a door. If today’s reflection stirred something deeper, don’t feel like you have to carry it alone — bring it to your journal, your next therapy session, or simply let it sit with you this week.
If you’re a New Jersey resident and you’re looking for a therapist, I’d be honored to walk alongside you.
Learn more about working together → ( Work with me.)
Until next Tuesday,
Moya 🖤